Pete "Recedor" Ayton (Midfield) -Captain   Age : 21

Pete is the captain of the successful Rangers side. He has a superb left foot but his right is very suspect. Pete wishes all matches were played in the afternoons as it would give him time to sleep off the excesses of Saturday night. Pete has been known to down as many as 3 or 4 drinks in an evening and even bought one of his own once. Pete won the Manager's Player of the Year Trophy for season 2004/5.

Ross "Chink/Dave" Parker (Defender)   Age : 21

Ross has been with the club since the age of 15 but he looks like the dad of the team. He has the pace of a Gazelle and loves it long time. Tends to play in every game as his dad is the Assistant Manager. Dad got the looks (not), Chink got the brains.

Lewis "Lewie" Porter (Goalkeeper)   Age : 20

It has been said by greater men than I that all goalkeepers are mad. Lewis is living proof. Lewis keeps it real and is the joker of the team. Lewis is a great shot stopper but he has had to spend the last three months on Sundays in the classroom studying the art of goalkeeping. He is in his forth season with the club and has a great future in front of him. Lewis has played his Saturday football in goal for Westbury United until recently but has now taken a drop in class to play for Trowbridge Town.

Note: What did I say previously about goalkeepers being mad ?!!

Marc "Yoda" Lanfear (Striker) Age : 27

Missed out on an Oscar for any of the Star Wars movies. Marc has been known to detect someone putting their hand in their pocket from 100 metres. Marc is a prolific goal getter who has consistently been the top scorer for every team he has played for. Injury meant that he missed the end of last season and the start of this season but he is back to top form and is currently playing the best football of his career. A Westbury United 1st team and reserve team member, his cheetah like speed causes the best defences problems.

Tim "Crouch" Coombes" (Striker) Age : Undisclosed so he can still buy a drink in the pub.

Tim has improved in all departments this season. He has pace, wing skills and an eye for goal which has seen him push Marc Lanfear for top spot in the scoring stakes. His developing partnership with Marc has been a revelation and together make Rangers' attack second to none in the premiership. Unfortunately, being slightly dim, Tim supports Chelsea.

Never did get the hang of sitting on a wall.

Paul "Beaves" Beavers (Midfield)   Age : 20

Paul is the heartbeat of the team and is also a recognised goalkeeper. He can sniff out trouble a mile off and will almost certainly end up in the thick of it. Paul is the vital cog that makes the midfield tick who on his day is Rangers potential match winner. Paul is also an important member of Westbury United first team.

Alex "Oliver Reed" Lutskes (Midfield) Age : 36

Alex is Rangers. South African international who sponsors himself £5 for every goal he scores and he scored twice last season. He is another player who has a lot to say for himself and has been known to sink a few on a Saturday night.

Pete "Dennis Irwin" Seviour (Defence) Age : 35

Pete is Rangers Mr. Reliable. This seasoned pro has been with the club for 11 years but only scored his first goal for the club last season. He still re-tells how he scored it in pubs and clubs around Westbury even now. Pete hasn't started many games but his attitude is first class.

Martin "Newbie" Little (Midfield) Age : 19

This is Martin's second season with the club so will soon lose the "Newbie" tag. To date he has found the net on two occasions. He is a welcome addition to the side but makes more passes on a Friday night than he does on a football pitch.

Sam "King Dong" Tucker (Midfield) Age : 18

Turned down for a part in the Chippendales due to the embarrassment he might cause them, Sam allegedly has a pet python. He has to shower on his own due to lack of space and doubt whether or not he is getting excited. Sam has missed a season due to injury but is now back with a vengeance and I do mean vengeance. Like his hero and role model, Roy Keane, Sam does not take prisoners on the pitch and consequently is well known to some match officials. Sam plays hard but fair. He links well with both attack and defence and is a valuable member of the team.

Dave "Bones" Jones (Midfield) Age : 20

Dave is a bit of a Daydream Believer who in a previous life was a Monkee (who writes this stuff). The older ones playing today will have to explain this one to the youngsters. He is Head Chef at McDonalds and can usually be found at the drive through hatch. He scored some vital goals last season.

Dave "Dangerous" Whyte (Defence) Age : 19

A solid defender who has only been with Rangers for a short while but in that time he has made his mark. Tenacious, fearless and strong in the tackle with vision and the ability to set up attack from defence, Dave is an asset to the side. Dave always has a lot to say for himself and drinks like a fish. Dave was given the ultimate accolade at the end of last season by being awarded the Players Player of the Season.

Martin Little (Defence / Midfield) Age : Bronze

He has really bandy legs which you could get a train through! He likes to give away one penalty a game to keep the other team in contention. He fits in well at the back with the other Daves ie Chink and Dangerous!!'

Steve Seals (Defence / Midfield) Age : Something over 20

Steve is a new signing and adds significantly to an already near inpenetrable defensive unit. Coming from an area almost devoid of footballing talent (Sheffield) it is even more commendable that Steve is so valuable on the field of play. Steve is also not averse to joining in the attack when is called upon to do so, having already scored a hat-trick this season.

Paul "Smithy" Smith (Striker) Age : Ice

Now in the twilight of his career, his ability still show though. Over the years Paul has netted numerous goals for Rangers and until recent injury has been in a very successful partnership up front with Marc Lanfear. Paul is a great servant of the club.

Shaun "Fat Bloke" Gardiner (1st Team Manager) Age : 35

Shaun is the third longest serving member of the club behind Waz Stacey and his mum, Club Secretary Viv. Shaun is pure class, his tactical knowledge has no bounds. It is rumoured that he was just overlooked for the West Ham job. He always gets up early on a Sunday morning but never arrives on time, which he blames on his chauffeur. Being a West Ham fan Shaun has always found the concept of 'winning' difficult to grasp but it hasn't held him back from developing Rangers' best ever team.

Mark "Parky" Parker (1st Team Assistant Manager) Age : 26 (Yeah right !!!)

Mark has an IQ of 200+ and has been asked to audition in the next James Bond movie due to his devastating good looks. Away from the play station Mark keeps the manager's heartbeat in check and also keeps him in drink (brown-noser). Mark is a valuable member of the organisation with his in-depth insights and tactical awareness Mark talks a great game. Not a bad player in his time either.

Vivienne "Mum" Gardiner (Club Secretary) Age : MYOB

Viv has been with the club since the early days and plays a huge part behind the scenes in the running of Westbury Rangers. The club secretary who spends more time on a Sunday afternoon speaking to the Publication Secretary, than he spends talking to his own wife. A pleasure to deal with and a great person to know. Viv IS Westbury Rangers. Nice photo Viv !

Paul "Waz" Stacey Age : 39

Waz has been with Rangers for 24 seasons and from day one he could tell you how much money he has in his pocket at any given time. Uncannily, he can also tell you how much money you have in your pocket too. Waz was hoping to get on the field of play some time this season but Shaun has informed him that this is very unlikely as we are always provided with two assistant referees for games. In his playing days Waz was a formidable tackler and midfield dynamo until injury cut short a distinguished career.

Kevin "Bullshit" Balchin (Defence) Age : 29

Now in his 12th season with the club, Kev has established himself as a solid and reliable member of the defensive setup. He plays like the son of Bobby Moore could probably make the West Ham or Arsenal starting 11. Kevin can talk a good game but the only trouble is he talks and talks and talks and talks until the only person listening is himself.

Alex Clarke (Wing Back)

More to follow